I have never written a blog before. In fact, I have never read one either. I know what they are but I never really had an interest or a use for them before. Now, I feel the need to begin my own for sanity’s sake.
I have lived a good life in spite of the hardships I placed in my own way or encountered as I went. I always tried to improve as I went with my goal being to be the best person I could possibly be. I haven’t been greedy and I always found it more fulfilling to make other people happy first and worry about my own needs later. In saying that, it doesn’t mean that I didn’t make mistakes. Boy, that’s for sure. I have made tons of mistakes but I can’t recall any that I made twice so I have acquired a bit of wisdom along the way. So, now I am an old, somewhat wise woman but somehow I have also become broken. I know what’s wrong with me and I even know how to fix it. The thing is though, I can’t. I have good intentions and I try but I fail daily. I now see myself as everything I didn’t like about other people along the way – fat, unmotivated, slovenly, antisocial and alone.
This all began about 4 years ago and the year 2020 and the Corona Virus seem to have sealed my fate and my reality. I know that if I could reach out for help that there would be people willing to help me return to a decent life. I even think I could find a way to accept that help but now my hands are tied until the pandemic passes.
I had some health issues before 2016 but not anything that I couldn’t manage on my own. I have always worked hard, mentally and physically, so I stayed fairly fit and strong. There are drawbacks to honest, hard work though. I didn’t give thought to how it would affect me as I aged and it took a great toll on my joints. I have had a joint replaced and continued working after that without a problem. When my employment ended however, I became depressed, gained weight, stopped most physical activities and now several of my original joints cannot handle the new load. This makes me even more sedentary. I am fairly bright so I get easily bored. I have found many ways through the internet to keep my mind occupied and, I thought, sharp, but now I find myself becoming more and more forgetful and less focused. This is all how I have become an unintended hoarder.
I do want to note that I didn’t begin this blog for sympathy and certainly not for monetary gain. I find ways to honestly support myself and to refrain from help from others in any way possible. The biggest problem with my existence now is that I am ashamed and can’t share it with anyone I know. So, for my own sanity I decided to blog about it so that maybe I could talk to other people about it candidly and anonymously. That’s the only way I can figure to avoid becoming suicidal. That’s a path I do not wish to go down for my family’s sake. If it weren’t for the pain I know it would cause them and the guilt they would mistakenly assume, I would explore that path. At this point, I just keep hoping each time I go to sleep that I will pass naturally so that I don’t have to endure another day. And, dear reader, please don’t feel sorry for me. I did this to myself somehow.
I know that there are always haters out there for whatever topic is presented so if you’re one of them, let me reassure you, there’s nothing you can say to make me feel any worse about myself. I do assume that comments can be made to me or about my blog so if that’s true, I’d love to discuss things about this or or your own experiences. Again, for sanity’s sake…